Thoughts On Getting Older

As morbid as this may sound, lately I've been thinking a lot about preparing more for the end of my life. I'm not so egotistical that I can't accept the fact that my life someday WILL end, nor do I presume that it will continue for a long time from now. But I find it frustrating that it seems my entire working life--from my years of auto parts, welding, and my training at IVY Tech--has all led me to where I feel confident that I can build my lifelong dream, my street rod pickup truck...but now that I have the experience, education, and training to do it, I find myself too broke to actually do it.

And now I'm experiencing the aches and pains that "traditionally" go with being my age. Before I turned 50, I could pretty much do all the stuff I did when I was 20. When I turned 55, the deterioration started for real. And now, as I'm in my 60th year, I'm finding I suffer from sore joints and muscles without the benefit of knowing what--if anything--I did to cause the pain.

But it's the combination of all these things that has me thinking that I need to make sure that loose ends are getting tied up, and that I begin to take on fewer, not more, responsibilities. I'll not be seeking any long-term financing for any projects, and I'm not seeing a "lifetime membership" in anything as a financially sound investment. I'm not depressed--other than the part about my truck--but every day, I find myself asking myself, "What are they [the folks who count on me to do things] going to do when I die? I realize that I'm no more indispensable than anyone else...but I'm already thinking that as one by one our pets make their way across that rainbow bridge, I can't consider replacing them, much less adding to their numbers...because I want to be able to adequately care for them, and the older I get, the harder it gets.

That's also why I'm committing to fewer and fewer promises, even with good friends. I'm just finding myself less and less able to deliver on such promises. And I don't make promises lightly. I wish I could do more for friends and family, sure...but my physical resources just don't allow for that as much as I'd like. I can't run on empty at all any more...not like I did when I was working 2 jobs, or 3 jobs including the weekends, when I was younger. Maybe I just used myself up over the years, but I don't have the reserves I did a few years ago. And it leaves me feeling bad for those around me, more than it leaves me feeling sorry for myself. I can't contribute as much to their lives as I'd like. And as much as I'd like to think I could "turn it around," at this age there's just not as much ability to "bounce back" as I used to have.

So I'm facing my own mortality, and realizing that , in my 60th year, it'll be here sooner rather than later. Now, I plan to put THAT off as long as I can...BET ON IT. But I'm enough of a realist that I can see it on the road ahead; I just don't have the depth of field yet to judge the distance involved. So If I turn you down when you ask something of me, PLEASE don't take it personally. It's not you...REALLY.

It's me.